we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
