Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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