Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
