Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
