She announced her abortion via fbk
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
