separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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