Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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