fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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