Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
