I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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