Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
