I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
