God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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