Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳