I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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