Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
