I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
