The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
