I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
