Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
