I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
