just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My penis needs a shock collar
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
