4 words: hood of his car
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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