Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
sex in a hospital.. check
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
