Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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