Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
