did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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