I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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