my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
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