i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
