Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
