thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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