at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
