Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
