I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
