just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
