the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
