I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
