I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
