Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
