Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
