mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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