If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My feet surprised me
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