there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
