lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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