R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
