Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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