Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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