I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my poor anus
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
