well you can't waste a boner
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
