If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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