wrigley field is MILF paradise
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
