Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
