If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
